Love has torn us apart.

ive got so much shit to say about you, but you know what, im going to bed instead. You're not worth the trouble anymore.

All I want is to watch the new star wars clone wars movie! Why do all the links have to be destroyed? DAMN IT!

Today, in front of the moldy, stainless
steel sink,
washing black beans from a container,
weeks old,
the smell drifting up from the murderous garbage disposal;
a perfume so familiar.

The days he came home after putting in ten hours
around deep fryers, around paperwork,

undereducated cashiers.

There, in front of the moldy, stainless steel sink,

nostalgia for a past I've created.

 

I miss my father as much as you pray,

He,

comes trotting back,
just before the four horsemen lay waste

to your neighborhood, to people like,
me.

                                                                                                                                               
Today, in front of the moldy stainless
steel sink, I stood.
Washing the old black beans from a container,
weeks old.
The smell drifted up from the murderous garbage disposal;
a perfume so familiar to me.

The days he used to come home after putting in 10 hours
around the deep fryers, around the paperwork, the undereducated cashiers.
When I was little the smell he used to smell of just after work, the natural oder, musk,
I'd always smell when he bounced my tiny frame on his knee.

There, in front of the moldy, stainless steel sink, there, I stood.
Missing the times. The times I was ignorant. Nostalgia for a past
I've created in my mind. I miss my father as much as you hope He comes trotting back
just before the four horsemen lay waste to your neighborhood, to people like
ME.

So I was doing the whole, post-work perusal of the web and came across something interesting. Upon reading, I had the smallest inkling that I'd heard of this before but anyway, apparentlly Ernest Hemingway was once either challenged to, or bragged that, he could write a story in six words. The story is as follows:
"For Sale: baby shoes, never worn."

WOW. Tell me that doesn't make a zillion things go through your mind. To me, the story is about a young newly married, completely in love couple who became pregnant. They did what a lot of expecting for the first time parents do, they went out and bought all these things for the little baby on the way. Something happened before the baby was able to wear shoes, I'm thinking miscarriage. Or, to embellish on the six words maybe it was an abortion? Either way, those six short, everyday words get you thinking. Something every story should do. This one doesn't just achieve that goal, it exceeds it amazingly.

So, Wired got ahold of some writers and celebrities. Here are a few of my favorites from their list:

Gown removed carelessly. Head, less so.
- Joss Whedon

It cost too much, staying human.
- Bruce Sterling

1940: Young Hitler! Such a cantor!
- Michael Moorcock

Rapture postponed. Ark demanded! Which one?
- David Brin

Some of them do get ridiculous, like that last one from David Brin. They start becoming more of a comical challenge then an honest one. By the end of the list I feel like I'm reading a list of starting lines, not whole stories. Valiant effort by many though!

To check out the rest of the stories and the original article, go http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/14.11/sixwords_pr.html

Enjoy!

Would you pay $300 for a ticket to a music festival? Would you pay $300 to camp out, among thousands of people, to see some bands?
It's a tough choice. But

would you pay $300 to camp out among thousands of people with the oppurtunity to see:
Bloc Party
British Sea Power
Metallica
Justice
MGMT
Santogold
CSS
Digitalism
Simian Mobile Disco
Chromeo
Crystal Castles
The Whip
The Deathset.

Keeping in mind that those are the bands i would definitely want to see. Would you pay $300 to go to a festival where you have to decide which of the bands you love, you love the most, to see their sets over the others? All of this is not to mention that there will be lots of other big names there:
Taking Back Sunday
Thrice
Anti-flag
Slipknot
The Killers
Rage against the machine
Queens of the stone age
Conor Oberst
The Raconteurs
Avenged Sevenfold
Dropkick Murphys
Plain White T's
Alexisonfire
The Wombats
Vampire Weekend
Less Than Jake
Alkaline Trio
The Kills

That's a lot of names.
So would you? Would you pay $300 to rush to the festival grounds early, two days before the festival starts (when the site opens), or, maybe even sooner then that to get in the line waiting for the campgrounds to open? Would you spend five, maybe six days living in a tent? Would you splurge the extra twenty bucks for a locker that has power so you could charge your cellphone and macbook (you have to be the one blogging about it while it happens). Would you, after all of this work, enjoy it? Most likely being hundreds and hundreds of yards back from the stage, surrounded by people who are at that stage to see the person performing, not because they like them, but, c'mon! it's justice! Do you think it would be fun? I'm not so sure.
Oh...if you still say yes would you splurge for plane ticket to fly into the UK and make your way to the leeds and reading festival? Most likely having to buy all new camping equipment upon landing, and then having to ditch it before your return flight home. [I'm not sure what's allowed on planes these days but I imagine a tent probably wouldn't make a good carry on...maybe it could go in the luggage compartments though].

So, I'm on the fence. Of course, if I just had the money lying around, I'd be on the fence. Of course I would say no in my current (somewhat college) kid, broke ass situation. But still, if I had the money to spend, I'm not so sure I'd run off to the UK to camp out for days and days just to wait in lines and squint to see the performances. I think I might just suck it up, not be able to have the coolness of saying I went to a super big music festival, pick a few of the bands i HAVE to see, and wait until (hope) they tour the U.S.

What would YOU do?

Today was my first day back at the bookstore. It's nice to not completely hate your job. To not have to wake up entirely too early, work too hard for to little pay, too be miserable. Too bad the job is only temporary. To make up for it you should all get online and order as many books as you can from textbook brokers on Farris. :) That might elongate my period of nice employment.

Tomorrow though, taking the day off. Bureaucratic things to take care of, plus, with the weathers approval, helping lena move some things.
Also, hopefully getting to see kristen, somewhere in/around WLR. That will be a nice little treat to hold me over until sunday evening, once she's done unpacking and settling. I'm excited she'll be back in town!


"Oh, I'm so lucky, there's no one's lucky as me."

I love days like today. Day long drizzle under grey skies. Open windows providing the only light, all the switches switched down. Soft music in the background, a good book and healthy snacks. Days like today make me extremely content. I appreciate them, and you should as well. :)

when things suck i tend to post more.



So, i was looking at a friends pictures and she took some while on a moving bus. For some reason the movement/blur of the pictures makes me feel really sad.

"If you could be God for a day, what three things would be at the top of your to-do list?"

WOW. I decided what i would do.

I would stop time go down to earth and build a really bad ass zombie proof fort out in the wilderness. Somewhere like Yellowstone. I would grab...or just poof up some supplies with my magic wand or ..staff..or...whatever and anyway...stock it all up. Get it all nice and pretty. Collect a few close friends who I think would be nice to have around/useful. Touch their faces and make them magically understand what's going on. Then, I would cause a zombie outbreak and relinquish all power as G-d. I would hang out in my awesome super big fortress anti-zombie complex with some tight people and watch as the zombies wash over the continent like dirty dish water. Wait it out until winter, they'll all freeze, go chop off some heads, collect some supplies, yada yada yada...eventually all the zombies will starve/just finally decompose and by this time anyone left alive will appreciate life so much. Sure it would be a lot of suffering but...it would be beautiful afterwards. Everyone loving the tiniest details of life and nature.


AMEN JEBUS!

I remember a time, before I had to worry about shaving, money and my future. I always said I wanted to live a simple life, a simple, fulfilling career with the sweetest girl. I remember thinking about my ideal financial situation and coming to the realization at an early age that I didn't have the want to be rich. I knew that I wouldn't need tons of money to be happy. I told my mom that I would much rather do something that I love and just make enough money to live without financial worry. That was ten years ago. Now I'm stuck in a hole. Every time a rope comes down, it's just out of reach;  yanked away before I ever have the chance to grab it and attempt to climb out to some sense of normality.

So, I just woke up from another night of crazy dreams. I'm not sure what's going on in my head but the dreams are always full of people that I have nearly zero contact with. People I've met at parties or have met through friends of friends. Anyway, this one is a bit more fun than the piss dream.

So, first of all I have a dream that I AM counter strike. That I'm a 'counter-terrorist' fighting the 'terrorists.' I'm running around, hopping around, being a silly 'CT" and then this guy busts in and he's like throwing chemicals and stuff everywhere yelling about a quarantine and an infection outbreak. That dream just vanishes after that.

Next, some old dude wrangles me, and a bunch of guys from my age down to like ten, together for this big bike race. The only problem is that we're not exactly sure of the route. We're all in this huge pine forest where the trees never seem to have a top and we don't know where we're going. Well, we know where we need to end up, we're just not sure how to get there. So we're all zooming around for an hour sort of staying together. We end up coming upon this little abandoned shack and he's standing out there so we pull up and we all decide to take a break. For some reason he whispers a secret to one of the guys and then all of a sudden he takes off. So I chase after him. Once everyone else gets on their bikes, they're fast on tracks. Well, we head toward this tunnel only, there's like a crevice of concrete to the right. It's barely wide enough for a bike and a rider. I'm right behind him now and he hops down in that crevice and it's getting wider and going down into the earth. Finally there is a ceiling above us and we're in this enormous underground basement system. It's like a bunch of basements connected by really long narrow hallways. The basements are all decorated in weird ways. Some are decorated regularly like a persons basement and others are not decorated at all. So the guy I'm chasing after, who knows some secret  zooms off and something slows me down but I head in the direction he went. I fly into a new room and see a hallway right ahead that appears to have a big staircase going down somewhere. I see him come running up the stair case and I slam on my breaks thinking, don't go down there! it's the wrong way! He's turning back! Then I realize, he's not on his bike! He's trying to fool me in the heat of the moment. So, I zoom up to the stairs and the drop is huge so I slam on the brakes and hop off my bike. I sprint down the stairs with my bike beside me. I take hop back on and zoom to the other side of the room, and the only optional way to go. I hear the other guys behind me just a little way. I'm starting to go back up now, towards the exit. I jump off my bike and sprint up the stairs with it in tow. At the top is a bedroom with this queen sized bed and leopard sheets. I'm like, "wow." But I see the door and sunlight coming through! And I'm so excited! And then all of a sudden the door swings open and a guy in a full military get up with a gas mask and all bursts through. He's throwing chemicals all over the bed. His colleagues come through and start yelling at me to get outside this is a quarantine. Something like that. The way they're acting makes the problem seem incredibly time sensitive. I hear the other guys coming up the stairs and try to yell and warn them not to be scared of what they're about to see. Honestly, the military guys were scary. I can't though, I'm grabbed and tossed out onto the pine needle riddled forest floor. The other guys come out and I hear one of them say his name and where he's from, Fort Smith, in a really deep awkward southern draw. Now, we're all out here and they tell us to take our shirts and pants off. I'm standing here, in my boxers, with my foot on my wallet and they start talking about an infection. And that's when I woke up.

Creepy, huh?

I had weird dreams.

1) I saw myself in a series of places with a series of people. The only common thing was, kristen was there with a really short hair cut. She didn't recognize me and it was like no matter what I said she didn't even notice my existence. It freaked me out, a lot.

2) I saw myself walk in a bathroom. The urinals were taken so i went in the only open stall. It was just this SUPER TINY urinal like eight feet up the wall! I was like, HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS?! But, I had to pee so bad I thought I could reach it, then, out of nowhere i start feeling water come from under the stall next to me, and I look and see some guy wearing crocs (ew) with socks. So, somehow magically the dividing wall between us turns into  really big door and I swing it open and I'm like, "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE PEEING!" So I go back to my stall, through the big wall/door. Unzip and pee as hard as I can, I mean...it's gotta go way up there to land in the super small urinal thing! Well, needless to say I pissed everywhere. And all of a sudden I see jo and erik covered in piss. And I was like "ahhh I'm sorry!"

No, I didn't wake up in a pool of piss. I did however, really need to pee!

If he dies, I'm going to build a really big ladder, climb it and beat the fuck out of God.

It's 5:20 a.m. and sleep cannot be found keeping me company within these four walls I call home. Her beautiful posture hasn't graced the chair, the bed in so long. Her once always present, snow-melting laughter echoes, bouncing around the four walls like a dvd player screensaver. The witty writers that make up the office have only been forcing my lonely chuckles, reminding me she's still not back. She's still not back with her "everything will be ok" blue eyes and her "escape from the worries of everyday life" delicious sandwiches. This room has become a womb. Nurturing loneliness, alienation and despair.

One week, and life will re-sprout in what is our second spring of the year. We'll show the world what it's made of, her and I. We'll show each other that our love is true, that the world is a place full of beauty that we just forget how to look at. We'll love like two children and we'll love like two wise adults. We'll love like the plants love the sun, the rain that falls on a hot summer evening, forcing the temperature down twenty degrees. We'll need each other. I'm an empty, glass flute, she's the bubbling champagne that will soon refill me.


One week and she'll be back, in my arms, and I'll be in her arms. Right where we both belong.

I'm kinda sorry for saying this but I'm tired of everyone here. It's not them, nah, it's me. I know it's me, and that's not a bad thing. I just don't feel like myself anymore. And I've gone through this phase where I thought it was neat to be completely best friends with the girl you dated. And then i've gone through the phase where you keep your friends first and the girlfriend is a close second to them. But, when kristen gets back and we finish school pretty sure I'm going to scoop her up and we're going to disappear. No more family worries, no more friend worries, just the two of us for a while. I love people, and humanity, friendship, society, community but I need a break.

Just me and her and the unwritten future.

It's nothing new, the feeling drowning me tonight. I'm really combating the fact that the tiniest things send me down a path of negativity. The only problem with this is that I've always been completely enamored with the idea that every single, seemingly insignificant, choice that we make has a consequence. I believe all of these tiny choices snowball and shape our life. That being said, the way I look at life begs me to analyze my own choices closely. Digression. Anyway, I really wish I was going to see the dark knight premier tonight. I know it sounds ridiculous to let that affect my mood as much as it has but what I was trying to get at is that it's the one tiny thing that makes me feel less than happy. Once I hit the less than happy, things just seem to go downhill Thankfully it usually happens at night so I can sleep it all off and be alright, at least until the next night. It's been extremely hard for me since kristen's been gone. At times I can stay positive and think of how the days to her return seem to be shrinking away quickly but on nights like tonight, times when one little thing sets me off, I realize just how long it will be. I guess I'm dependent, I'm not sure. I mean, if we were to ever call it quits, of course I'd be completely heart broken but eventually I would be able to maintain a happy life without her. So, in that sense I'm independent but it's a different story when someone you care about, and aren't trying to get over, leaves. I'm sure you've all been there before, so, in a sense, I'm preaching to the choir?

All I know is there are only seven days left until she returns. 10pm Thursday night. I probably wont get to see her until saturday, and then, we wont even get to share a bed, her dads birthday is Sunday. I understand though, it's an extremely long flight back so I'm sure I would want to come home and just relax. Try and get used to not being in a foreign land. Rest up and just take it easy for a day or so. Plus, hers is a tight knit family. I understand the birthday thing. It just sucks because she'll be back and I'll probably only get to spend six or seven hours with her and then I'll have to wait another week for the chance at a cuddley sleep over. It's ok though. At least she'll be back and I can talk to her in real time and see her at all. That makes me happy. Incredibly happy. Also, school's coming up fast. That means she'll be living right down the street, I can't wait.

Now, I think I might go watch There Will Be Blood again.

I'm in love
with something
someone
other than nature
other than mother earth.


11 days.